Do you Believe in Magic?

this morning, i woke up to find that my child had been up before me. with only the light from our christmas tree, he was steadily making christmas cards for his friends and family.

i don’t say this often enough …. “My child has saved my life!” and he does it… every.single.day.

sometimes, it’s the small things. and sometimes… it’s the big things. this morning, his small gesture of making cards and being overly excited about the Christmas holiday at any given point of the day compelled me to tears.

you see… i made the solid decision this year that, (despite my desires, personal need or excitement for the holiday) i would retain the magic of christmas for my child’s sake. because HE still needs Christmas.

We’ve gone all out: three Christmas Trees, Christmas Concerts, the Nutcracker, the Polar Express, Christmas Shopping, Christmas Wrapping, Christmas Music… plays. events… the Elf on the Shelf. Visits with Santa Clause… because… it needed to be overdone for him.

(at least… that’s how i feel)

much of his year has been spent dealing with my brother’s battle with cancer. and then, his passing. so much so that at times, i felt like his childhood at this stage left something to be desired.

so … the solid decision to go big and outrageous for him this year came with much grinding of my teeth. sunken spirit. and strained emotion. when all i felt i wanted to do was sit and cry and cry… and then cry some more. i would look over at him, and realize… his needs were different than mine.

and because of that, i would wipe the silent tears and force myself to smile. to cheer. to believe in something as great as the magic. I realize that putting his needs for normalcy and happiness even when it’s difficult are greater than my desire to reside in loneliness and pain and grief.

the simple truth is…. my child has saved my life.

halloween. germs. and nutella.

Growing up… we didn’t “celebrate” Halloween. we packed it up in the car and went out to eat a nice dinner as a family.  So, there was never much emphasis on the dress up and Trick or Treating.  Luckily, my child doesn’t seem to feel cheated that i don’t make a fuss out of it for him. ((thank goodness))

Due to our play rehearsal last night, he didn’t have a night of knockin’ on doors and asking for candy. (aka running away and crying every time we got to a porch that played spooky music)

My wonderful friends DID ask me to swing him by to collect candy. it was the one-and-only house that he hit up last night.

and he DID get to do some Trunk or Treating after the rehearsal was over. because the Academy Parents are AWESOME!

in the last month, i have been sick three times. i am consuming vitamin C at an abnormal rate and have popped more pills than i care to talk about.

this morning…. the crud got me down to the point where i felt i needed to see a doctor. i prommmmmmmmmmmise you he told me to load up on Nutella.

i cannot tell a lie.

what i CAN do is curl up with my kid’s bucket of loot and a blanket and kick this crud. again

i walked in with you… i’ll walk out with you

when i was little, i would tie a flat bed sheet into my ponytail and walk down the hallway of my gramma’s house with some makeshift bouquet.

i was a bride

in my adult years, i realized there was less “fairytale” to a wedding – and more reality in love than in any dollar amount you could spend on your wedding day.

in my adult years, i didn’t want to be a bride as much as i wanted to be a wife. someone else’s companion. better half.

this morning, as i sat at my desk with my books. and coffee. and a screen full of wedding photos to edit for a client…. my friend sent me this beautiful story of two people who truly embody love.

i can only hope to have a story that’s similar

Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

be blessed

the storm will never change me

i heard once that no matter how bad things are… they can always get worse

well… dear friends… i know this to be true. unfortunately.

however, i also heard once that sometimes God calms the storm… but other times… he calms his child.

in the darkest, most upsetting, frightening, loud, tumultuous point in my life, i have learned to breathe. and remain calm. ((again))

i feel like i’m finally getting to a point where i’m only slightly behind on working for my clients and that i might soon be able to wander about in public without the fear of running into one of them and them asking me why i’m not at home working on their project.

you see… one of the things i dislike about self-employment is that i never get time off. currently… it’s three A.M. and i’m still up doing work for clients. and to be quite honest – i’ve been here at this desk for about 15 hours today.

and no matter how hard i try. or how much i disregard my laundry. dishes. personal life. and sometimes even my own child…. i cannot seem to catch up. i’ve been spread thin. and not because i can’t handle it – but because i was thrust into this storm without an umbrella. and i’m drenched and can’t decipher between tears and sweat.

at some point, the storm will calm. but in the meantime… i’m just going to sit back and let God take control here and give enough calm to get through my day.

 

All Stuffed Up

looking back to just a couple of years ago, i was going through a phase when i wanted to cook often and be more of a susie-home-maker type.

i haven’t felt that way in quite some time. but all of a sudden, i find myself experiencing some sort of identity crisis. where i just say to myself:

“self, who the heck even ARE you?”

so as i put aside things like … work – i find it somewhat easy to step away and dissassociate myself from things that keep me from being anything other than myself.

even if it’s just for a few hours.

as the summer is coming to a close, i look back and realize that the things i originally wanted and intended to do with my child didn’t occur.

Reading more. drawing. painting. playing more.

i spent much of my time working. and then working some more.

so today, i decided tending to emails wasn’t as important as it was for me to make lunch. and not a PB&J lunch… but something with substance.

then i realized how funny it is, that the last time i was going through this “phase” that things were so different. Today, i propped my ipad up on a recipe holder, and cooked away. it was a quick stuffed bell pepper recipe. but it made the kid super happy – saying it was a special lunch because we are (also) going to register him for school this afternoon. followed by a nice long nap.

and really… that’s all i wanted anyway…. simplicity.

brown rice. peas. ground turkey. and salt and pepper. yummmm

happy wednesday, y’all!

i’m a spinster | random insanity

of a new kind

as in pinster

mhm.

this past week, i spent more time being stressed out over job related things

and it BLOWS!

this week, i learned a few things:

there’s a reason i don’t listen to radio (aka – the same four songs over and over and over … and over)

the child is 90% drama

it’s possible to fall out of love with someone

coffee doesn’t necessarily provide the oomph i need to keep up with the KID VACATION

atlanta is humid

friends make the world a better place.

teach a new dog new tricks…

i am the mother to a six year old

he is silly. and happy. nonstop.

seeing as this is my first time to be parenting – i had NO idea that my six year should ideally have chores by now

really?

growing up, i didn’t have chores. i was just told to help clean.

at any rate, i’m currently reading this book:

and not because my child is ridiculous – but because there are things like manners, responsibilities, and behavioral expectations that are needing to be address and “founded” right now.

in this book, it also reiterates the NEED for children to have chores.

so, i looked online for a chore chart, and found a really neat template where you can create your own and then print it off on your home computer for free!

LOVE IT!

DLTK’s Custom Chore Chart!

i introduced the new chart and chores to my child tonight. he is really excited! hopefully, it sticks. but as of now, he is really ready to start having some responsibilities in the house.

His chores are:

Clean room

Clean bathroom (gather dirty laundry, make sure towels are hung, replace toothbrush caps, etc)

Help with Laundry

Read Book

Gather/Discard Trash

Pick/Help Make Dinner (Friday evenings)

We still have our cleaning ladies that come and do the major cleaning, but this will at least pull the silver spoon out of his mouth a bit and realize that he may not always have a cleaning lady. he really is a helpful little boy, and i’m probably doing him a horrible injustice by just now introducing chores to him. I still haven’t decided if i will reward him with an “allowance” – a part of me never felt that rewarding my child for good behavior was appropriate – as they should be expected to behave himself. So, i’ve got some thinking to do on this one.

thoughts??

photo of the little man helping me bake this past weekend.

Back at…. Square One

i participate in a Wordless Wednesday flickr group.

but always feel like the words i’m trying to convey need more than a photo.

that they need some words

as of recent, my life seems to have just returned to this place. the place where my brother is getting sick again from his cancer.

the square where i find myself in the infancy of my business again.

the square where i find myself wondering if i’m going to be alone for the rest of my life

generally i feel ok. happy. easy.

but occasionally, and at random, i feel very lost and …. right back where i started.

it’s a strange feeling to be here again. in all of it.

at the beginning.

it’s almost like i wonder if this is just an endless cycle of traveling from the beginning back to the beginning again.

with a few harsh turns here and there

couch to half marathon??? | personal

i’m sure some of you have heard of the “Couch to 5K” app for iphone and ipods.

well… for the last … however long i have wanted to really start doing something about exercise etc etc

a couple of months ago, i made the decision to run in our Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K

it’s in September so i have some time to work my way up to it

at the beginning of 2010, i was religious about working out, making it to the gym 6 days a week

even hiring a personal trainer (who is fabulous and i love workouts with her)

but for some reason… weight loss just wasn’t enough motivation for me.

so, this past weekend, i decided to sign up for a Half Marathon  – “Run the Rock” in Dallas, TX

which makes me BEYOND giddy

i bought a new pair of Saucony running shoes last night and ran my first run this morning

i’m a little bit more of a “runner” than i thought i was

i have a small endurance on the treadmill. so i wasn’t really afraid of Day One of the C25K plan

but i know that even that small step away from the couch was, in fact, a workout

i was hot and sweaty and stinky from my run

but it felt good.

great.

and i’m ready to begin this training process!

i’ll be sure to keep you occasionally updated on the training. i’m not really intending for this to be a method of weight loss. but i’m sure it’ll happen anyway, just because it’s more activity than my body has seen in about two months. really, i just want to run the Race for the Cure, and my cousin, who is an avid runner and marathon-er encouraged/held me gunpoint to sign up for the Half. so here i go!

who let the dogs out?

truth be told…..

i’m always late. i’m never early. or right on time.

i’m always five minutes late. at the very least.

i’m not sure why this happens

i can wake up at 7am and still  be late for church at 11am.

today…. i think i realized why

today, i was gathering my camera equipment for a wedding rehearsal i was about to go photograph.

i hear my 5 year old running around the house. just kinda panting and barking.

whatever.

as i’m getting the dog ready to go outside while i’m gone, i tell my son,

“ok, go get in the car while i put Gilly outside”

i meet him outside a minute later

and see that he has….

Sharpie’d his face to resemble a dog.

yes. that’s permanent marker. on his nose.

what you don’t see are the spots he put all over his arms and hands

dalmation, i assume????

he was so proud of himself!

and how do i squash his creativity and get angry with him???

i half-heartedly say something like “laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaken!!!!”

and then giggle

******************************

oh laken laken laken

you are… indeed a unique!

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p.s. —– the best way to remove magic marker is to dab a cotton ball with baby oil. or get baby wipes and gently rub.

it comes off effortlessly. i promise.